I am pretty certain that you all were not aware of my bouts with Anxiety. Speaking about another admission now that I used to suppress just to continue to portray myself as a “strong woman”. Always saying, No thank you, no help needed thank you. I always could or would handle it, no matter what. This way of thinking and acting created motions and actions that had the inside of my brain on so much overload it turned to angry, negative self hindering responsibility.
Wow, how many other women felt/feel this way? Having that overwhelming feeling that I better be indestructible and cant break under any pressure. My personal views now feel the word “strong” is an outdated word to describe the characteristics of woman. I have began receiving, acquiring and utilizing a little bit of a different vocabulary to describe me and my journey. Personable, responsible, decisive, passionate just to name a few.
Not going back there…
There are days that the “old way of thinking” attempt to make an appearance. Certain situations can seem to try and trigger shit, as I know everyone can experience. Even as I continue on shifting my mindset, anxiety would still try to take over “like a rearing lion”. Using that term to define how I would handle things once triggered. Being loud, negative, hurtful, sometimes even a little malice with words, I didn’t care how I got my point across. You were going to hear it, period. Those who know me knew that is just how I was. However looking back, it was not right. I shouldn’t of had to be that way and exactly what definitive reason did I have to be that way? Not the correct or logical way to handle small situations. I was deflecting….
Shit can and will happen. If it is not coming from me, I have no control over it outside of myself. As I continue to come into myself and my self awareness, I know that this was a huge struggle for me to comprehend to not try and resolve those other conflicts. Why did I still seem to try and make another’s persons circumstances my own? Cause at the end of the day, I was still attempting to try and take control of a situation that I don’t want or even need. Control overload averted….
I remember so many ways that I used to hide and disguise my emotions. The anger was the main sensation that tries to rear its head, take over and cause the havoc I grappled with in the past sometimes. I realize that these both co-existed together within, anxiety and anger are a powerful combination, especially when they collide in the heat of a particular moment! My homegirl had to re-school me on that aspect of things, I’m seriously grateful that she stepped in to remind me. She is right on point when pointing out these things within me and about me. I appreciate her so much and have to let her know. Thanks DJ 💛.
It can sometimes be hard to hear what you already know within from an outside source, maybe even harder to make the self evaluation to accept it. We don’t want to believe that we are hindering ourselves when we still try and keep the old, restricted thinking patterns and habits. I work on me every single day, but I am human. People seem to think that when you are making changes for the better that you are not allowed to have a vulnerable moment, a moment that you may have been “off”. That way of thinking is just not logical.
If you know self improvement is necessary, get yourself to the stage of being able to embrace the very necessary changes that we know deep down need to happen.
Did I want to be uncomfortable as hell talking about the flaws that once restricted my growth? NO! Do I want to be fully accountable for those same flaws I have had and make the changes to be the best version of myself? YES!
Word of advice to self: Don’t try and deflect things just to give you an excuse to portray the negative behaviors. You know good and well you are trying to remove your outdated bad habits and restricted way of life. Begin the “Self” search to find/create other positive filled outlets that will allow you to grow confidently from life’s curveballs. Figure out other tools and resources within yourself for the self actualization that you honestly know you need. It makes the shift easier when there is a plan in place, and even easier to get back on track when you may hit a snag in the journey.
Keep striving for the shift you want in life.